Addicted to an Addict

Monday 05 January 2009

Addiction Specialist - Tracy Towner

It is very common for families of addicts to experience what is commonly referred to a “co-dependency”. Co-dependency consists of behavioural patterns that are learned and can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioural condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. People with co-dependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.

Characteristics of Co-dependency

Low self esteem and external referencing

• Co-dependents can be addicted to relationships in the same way alcoholics use alcohol. They feel they have no meaning or self-worth in and of themselves and are worthwhile only in relation to someone else. Co-dependents may find it difficult responding to their internal feelings and perceptions and thus respond to external cues.

Clinging relationships

• People in co-dependent relationships often feel they cannot survive without each other. No one functions independently. Although unhealthy, the co-dependent spouse often finds security in this type of relationship.

Lack of boundaries

• Co-dependents may not see themselves as separate people with separate emotions and ideas. They are so externally oriented that they take on other people’s emotions, such as anger, as their own and do not recognise that this is happening. They do not know where they end and others begin.

Impression Management

• Co-dependents may believe they can control others impressions of them. They constantly strive to present themselves as “good” people and always worry what others think of them.

Mistrust of perceptions

• Co-dependents have low self-esteem and are externally oriented. As a result, they often become caretakers of others (such as substance abusers) and neglect themselves.

Addictions

• It is common for co-dependents to develop chemical dependencies themselves or become addicted to such things as food, power or work.

Feelings

• Co-dependents become so preoccupied in fulfilling the expectations of others that they lose touch with their own feelings. They allow themselves to experience only acceptable feelings such as compassion and to ignore negative feelings such as anger. In a chemically dependent/dysfunctional family, feelings often become frozen or totally ignored because the reality of the situation becomes too painful to address.

Steps Towards Recovery

There are four essential stages a co-dependent experiences in recovery. These closely parallel the recovery stages of a substance abuser.

Denial Stage

• The co-dependent denies that a substance abuse or serious behavioural problem exists in the family. Consequently, the co-dependent denies that he is experiencing any individual problems.

Core Issues Stage

• The co-dependent accepts that he is unable to control the behaviour of others and that successful relationships allow each person in the relationship to be independent.

Reintegration Stage

• Co-dependents learn to believe that they are worthwhile in themselves and that being worthy is not something that must be “earned” through particular behaviour patterns or relationships with others.

Self Care

In addition to seeking professional treatment and working through the recovery stages with a trained therapist, co-dependents can take additional self-care steps to aid their recovery:

Detachment

• Co-dependents can learn to separate themselves from unhealthy relationships with others in order to work on their own recovery

Removing the Victim Image

• Co-dependents acknowledge that they are not victims and have the power to create positive change.

Independence

• The co-dependent learns to trust himself and realize that he can care for himself without help from others.

Living Your Own Life

• Co-dependents begin to focus on themselves and their own goals instead of focusing exclusively on others.

Accepting Reality

• The co-dependent acknowledges and accepts the problems in his life in order to begin solving them.